DK’s Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/13/10).

One of my best childhood friends had his birthday party tonight at Promenade. I had to work tonight. I lose.

On days like this one where the winds are HOWLING (wind gusts over 65 is absurd) and rain coming down in sheets…some people will test your patience. This asian broad for example asks me to drop her off at 68th and 1st (or so I thought- but she meant 60th). She goes “get to your right, your far right.” I’m doing this. “YOUR FAR RIGHT”…I heard you. I pull over she pays good enough but that’s not the point. She then just sits there. “My receipt??” Ohh. Say somethin earlier bitch I’m not a 3rd grade teacher. Competent people will tell me to give them the receipt right after they finish paying. She snatches the receipt from my hand & slams the door.

This Mexican dude who hails the cab with his hand stickin out like a figure skater tryin to twirl (and it makes sense since he’s wearing a scarf) tells me “You gotta take me to Brooklyn 49th street & 5th avenue.” I don’t gotta do shit.

Intermission (DK’s Cab-Ulary): Buzzkill Trip- a trip that takes you hella out of your way from where most people are at. For example, a trip to Sunset Park at midnight on a Saturday night is NOT ideal. The fare will be good…but I have to drive quite a while without pickin up anyone.

Anyway, this muh fuh starts talkin to himself in Spanish. It sounded like he was cryin for a split second too. It seemed like somethin out of Telemundo. He slides my mini-mirror closed & thinks that I can’t hear him talkin to himself. $28+tip= $30 trip but that dude worried me.

These NYJew broads (I knew because they were goin to 3rd North) pay me $8 on a $7.90 fare. NYJew lives to its moniker. Someone else tips me 50 cents on the credit card machine. One of these days I’ma take a picture of that shit because it looks hella humorous. The grade A jackass of the day however was this guy waiting for his girlfriend to try & slide my door close…and when she couldn’t do it, instead of him offering to help her I had to do it for her. The fact she paid too is neither here nor there but man up.

The only two radio stations I USUALLY have it on are Hot 97 and Power 105 because they keep me sane. Today was probably the first time I actually had people request me to change the stations. This well-dressed African-American male who had me take him to Harlem told me to switch the station because of Lil Wayne. EH-EMMM tru indeed…put it on Z100..doesn’t work either, so I just turn it way down. He then goes on a schlep about how he thinks rap music nowadays is garbage, etc nothing that I haven’t heard before and gives me some black history lessons. You’re a month late brotha, nah I’m kiddin it was legit shit. Then he turns the conversation religious. Gulp. It was too deep for my liking but he gave me a business card that had a couple of websites where I could check out what he was talkin about. He basically told me that Satan needs company since misery loves company. Also, about how the Middle East used to be Northeast Africa until they formed a river. Blew my mind. And he actually tipped well ($3 on a $16 trip). This other broad who took me to Queens wanted me to put “more mellow music” on. I put it on 88.9 or some shit and they were playing jazz I believe. Not bad. We had a short conversation about how radio stations here suck and that I should listen to 93.9FM. Maybe one day. She tipped well too. And then…

You get the white guy who loves his rap music. I had it on Power 105 and he told me I MUST put on Hot 97 because Funkmaster Flex is the best DJ out there bar none. He said that, not me (drops bomb). Funk Flex comes on on Saturdays between 7 and 11pm. It’s 1am and the kid thinks it’s Funk Flex (it’s really DJ Big Ben though) but I gotta let the hella inebriated kid live. He blasts the music like the porch monkey from the other day did. His cronies tho givin me $4 on a $6 trip fuck it do whatever you want. A couple of other people who get in my cab were appreciative of what I was blastin in the cab. I can’t take all the credit for it tho ha. This one guy thought I should be a DJ.

I’ve had maybe 3 couples have makeout sessions in my cab & each time they’ve tipped 50 cents or less. This isn’t a fuckin bordello.

This dude even bigger than myself gets in with his friends & asks jokingly if I have porno. I wouldn’t want dudes wackin off to porno in my cab. Females can rub one out at anytime however.

I got my long-awaited inebriated as fuck chick argument that I’d been longing for. All I had to do was go to McFaddens. This cute chick & her aight friend get in my cab and initially they tell me to go to some place where upon further review is in Bedford-Stuyvasant. “I’m your best friend I won’t let you go alone!!” “I’m fine I’m SERIOUS!!” you know that kinda ordeal. The dude apparently they were with was like “You leavin like that, you’re kidding me?!” Yep. He freaks out. She decides that she’s just gonna go to Grand Central Terminal & call it a day and tells me her story. Basically, she was in a seven year relationship & the dude cheated on her. Ever since then, she has trust issues. The dude she was dating tonight made out with her best friend. Yeah, that one that she told to get out the cab. Did I mention it was that chick’s birthday too? What a present eh? She was relatively calm all things considered. I told her everything will be okay and she’ll be okay. She smiled. I wanted to take her home to my mom her smile was adorable. I would have done the whole hold hand thing but that woulda been OD.

Lastly, I understand how hard it is to find a cab on Saturday night. I’ve been there & had to get on a dreaded livery cab to go to Penn Station last week for instance. But it is NOT OKAY to stand on a lane or 2 of traffic and try to hail one down when I’m speedin down at 30mph. I don’t wanna lay someone out. If my medallion light is OFF then I have a passenger so get the fuck out the way. This broad starts boogin on the street; my steering wheel coulda did the Harlem Shake but this isn’t Grand Theft Auto.

And so on.


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