DK’s Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 4/17/10).

Bridge & Tunnel Saturdays.  Things that make you go hmm for sure.  Fortunately for me, I only had two trips out of the city with one of them being my last trip of the night.

I always begin my day at JFK but this time I had to wait for two hours at the airport because there was very little activity.  I didn’t pick up my first passenger until around 810pm from Terminal 8 (American Airlines).  Thank GOD they were going to the city to this hotel on 77th and Broadway.  The dude tried to give me a $100 bill.  I told his ass to go to the diner & break change what it look like man.

I pick up these drunk out-of-town couple heading back to the Mariott on 52nd and 3rd avenue and they start cuddlin fallin asleep on each other.  I ain’t got campfire in my cab what yall want me to do, turn the heat on…OUT DAMN IT!!

PSA that NYC natives would know: There is a significant difference between wanting to go to Little West 12th street & West 12th street.  The former can only be accessed via 10th avenue heading south towards the West Side Highway.  How you gonna tell me 12th street and then when I’m on 12th street that yall meant Little.  SMFH.

I was heading down 7th avenue and these Jewish chicks get in my cab headin down to Tribeca.  This was an unmitigated mess because they got in my cab in the middle of the street IN TIMES SQUARE AT A GREEN LIGHT.  I could tell they were drunk as shit because they kept giggling and spewin nonsense initially.  One of them (who I find out later is Jane) talks about how she made out with some boy..yet she got a boyfriend oops ha.  She calls her boyfriend and tells her she’s on her way to meet him and that she loves him. “Do you love meee? Say it back!” You may think you know…but you have no idea.  The blonde one who is “single and ready to mingle” doesn’t talk too much in this adventure.  They want me to put it on 104.3 which is the classic rock station.  Askin me if I know these rock bands I dunno none of them.  Anyhow, Jane and I begin talking about how Jews and Blacks relate to each other so well because of our similar struggle.  Ehh, I halfway agree but that’s an ENTIRELY different topic of discussion.   We’re heading down the West Side Highway now and I overhear Jane say “Well thankfully my mother’s dead!” WTF alcohol is one helluva drug.  For some reason schools were discussed and I mentioned to them since they lived on the Upper East Side that I went to school out there in middle school (St. Bernard’s) and Jane is shocked by all of this.  She asks me if I knew this kid Owen Murphy..the name sounded familiar so I told her I did- he was a few years younger than I.  “Omgggg small world.” Yeah no shit.  She calls her brother and her boyfriend to tell them this shocking development about how I knew this kid.  SMFH.

As they’re getting out the cab they want me to go off-duty and come with them to the club ha.  No I can’t do that because I gotta make my moves of course but she tips me $20 on a $13 ride!  Then she asks me for my number??  Hmm.  I give it to her & she texts me mine.  Then I come to find out that she wants to apply to NYU…UNDERGRAD?!  This chick only 18????  How good is your damn fake ID ha?

The weird thing about people who tell me to go one place & then really mean to go another is that they always feel terrible for giving me the wrong address.  I never feel bad because this typifies that I’m gettin more money from you ha.

I love it when people tell me to take them anywhere on the Lower East Side between 1am-3am because there is a 100% guarantee that I will pick someone right up.  I was coming from 6th avenue after dropping someone off at the Financial District (dead as hell) and pick up these three broads going to Chrystie & Delancey streets.  Perfection.  Standing there laying in wait was this other chick…but she was going to Brooklyn.  Womp womp.  Crown Heights my old stomping grounds as a kid.  NOOOOOO!!  She was goin to Bedford Ave & Montgomery Streets and the place looked really familiar because I would come down there towards the end of the West Indian Day parade.  What this white chick doin livin out there ha?  Gotta black boyfriend?  Nah lemme stop.

I made my return to the L.E.S and picked up this couple wanting to go to Pianos on Stanton & Ludlow.  PRIMETIME.  I made a left on Allen and it looked like beggars on line waiting for their rationed rice and soup.  No soup for you.  I make my turn onto Stanton and this continues.  I think some dude hits the side of my cab mad because I didn’t stop for him.  I have passengers you jackass.  I drop them off at the place and you see two groups of people surrounding my cab.  Three chicks vs. two dudes.  Dudes got there first but then tried to be chivalrous to let the ladies get my cab.  Seemingly they were going for it & then bam the dudes got in.  It turned out to be five of them and one chick.

They first tell me they wanna go to this bar named Dorrien’s.  They claim that it’s on “450 Fashion Avenue” WHAT THE FUCK LMFAOOO who calls 7th avenue that???  I don’t know where this bitch is so I just do as I’m told and take them to this place.  When we get there…it’s a fuckin office building.  That’s all on you, not on me at all.  These people spend 10 minutes conferring to each other as to what the gameplan is gonna be.  They go on their Blackberrys to Google the place..to find out that it’s on 84th and 3rd avenue.  Nice.  VERY NICE HA.  Initially they were gonna get out and then get into another cab so I could go about my way and the dude tries to take out a $20.  But it rips in half yet he tries to give it to me.  “Do you have any tape so I can tape this together & give it to you?”  THE HELL WOULD I HAVE TAPE IN A CAB FOR??  To tape people’s mouths shut if they start gettin wild?  Not a bad idea actually but no man… God forbid someone broke my taillight what, I’ma have tape for that.  People.

Anyhow they decide to get back in my cab and one of them says “Just go down this street.”  Um..okay fine.  I eventually after having to ask these fools four times find out they wanna go to 99 John Street.  The dude I was sitting with in the front bitches about how dirty the streets in NYC are, especially compared to DC.  Well good for you.  They get out of my cab and give me $25…with that same fuckin ripped $20.  Slick fucks.

Cue This: This big girl gets in my cab on Bowery & Houston trying to head back to 51st street & Madison avenue.  She’s rockin one of those happy birthday crowns.  Then…she starts crying in my cab.  Fuuuuuuckkkk really?  At least it’ll help her burn some calories.  But no, I felt bad she shouldn’t be crying much less in my cab.  She gave me $14 for her $10 excursion and I told her to keep her head up.  She smelled funky though, so also keep your arms up as you scrub yourself in the shower next time.

The last mildly entertaining ride for the night was this drunk as fuck Hong Kong native heading to “103 Broadway”.  Wait…so 103rd street & Broadway or 103 Broadway?  I’m not making this mistake again.  “103 street Broadway thank you (bows head…but due to drunkeness).  He asks me where I’m from and if I like the city in the usual broken en-lish I’ve grown to love.  He’s making no sense so I’m not interested in this conversation.  Takes dude about 5 minutes to get out of my cab.  He gives me a $50 and I give him back $38…with the ripped $20 bill as one of those bills.  Too easy.

Today’s episode begins at the conclusion of the Thunder-Lakers game unless it becomes a blowout then just at 5pm.  This will be the last episode until April 27th.  And so on.


1 Response to “DK’s Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 4/17/10).”

  1. December 23, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    I am impressed by quality of posts on this site. There are a lot of good resources here.

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