DK’s Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 4/29/10).

Long-Haul Thursdays had about a 3 hour delay yesterday because the other dude I drive the cab with was runnin late.  It’s a double-edged sword.

JFK Terminal 4 was the first place I was sent to & I got these two sisters who were heading midtown.  They just got off a flight coming from LAX and typical for people who just land…they ask me about the weather.  Am I Al Roker Jr?  Anyway, we start discussin a variety of topics such as how the houses off the Van Wyck Expressway look to her like San Luis Obispo (a suburb north of San Fran I believe?) though to me they look more like the shits from the show “All In The Family”.  Then we talked about sports..and had a chance to get on her about my Mets sweeping her Dodgers as well as Kanye Shrug her about how her Lakers are struggling.  She sighed believing that they’re not as hungry this year..which is most likely what the problem is anyway.  They feel I have a New York accent & think it’s cute though they explain to me that NYers who move to Cali lose their accents; and in general accents aren’t as noticeable these days because…of reality TV?  That’s a first ha.  They ask me if they have accents & the only thing I could think of is them always saying “ya” and “like” in perfect OC form.

I next pick up this Indian family at that same hotel (The Roosevelt on 45th and Madison) and they want to go to an Indian restaurant on 27th and Lexington.  No it’s not Curry in a Hurry.  The gentleman gave me $11 for a $6.70 ride which was totally unexpected.

Can someone explain to me why on earth would you close 7th avenue at 42nd street?  I thought the construction was finished but apparently it’s not.  It’s a traffic disaster.

Some people have no shame.  I was about to pick up this chick on 7th and 58th and this guy slides in behind her so he could take my cab.  Damn ha.  I agree that chivalry is dead but give chicks 1.3% hope.

I later pick up this broad by the Time Warner building.  Long legged blonde whose hairspray dominated my cab.  I was cruising down 59th street (well not necessarily) and this car stops short on a yellow light and because of this I have to slam my brakes.  The chick tells ME to calm down & relax in a condescending voice.  ME?? LMFAOOO I laughed at her and told her I was perfectly fine.  She got the final laugh by tipping me a dime.  Well not necessarily, I did get one last look of those jeans.  Ehh..nevermind she wouldn’t date anyone shorter than 6’1.

I pick up these two dudes who were going to 84th and 2nd.  You could tell they were just coming from a Happy Hour.  The only noteworthy thing was one of the white boys goin “Aww man that’s my joint Beemer Benz or Bentley that song is hot” as he was finishing his payment to me.  Idk why these things are so hilarious to me.

I’m back around Times Square and I have to fill my black quota for the day.  No I’m kidding, but this dude who looked like a hybrid of the rappers Bonecrusher & Heavy D and his girlfriend hop in and tell me “131 8th avenue”.  I’m sure he meant 131st street and Frederick Douglass but I wanted to double check with him and then he told me “Harlem” so I was good.  Speaking of Bonecrusher, wasn’t he the dude who took his shirt off during MTV Spring Break one year?  WTF happened to him?  I applauded mentally the dude for knowing (sort of) how to tip.  Quite frankly, trips to Harlem don’t bother me…it’s simply having to turn around with no one unless I take the risk.

Word of advice: Don’t go to the “McDonald’s Express” on 125th near St. Nicholas Ave late at night.  That shit turns into the super local.  They got some hella good specials if you’re tryin to gain weight fast though.  For $5 you can get 2 McDoubles, medium fries and a medium drink…or 2 Big Macs.  It says it’s open 24/7 but that’s a farce because they were locking the doors at midnight.  To be fair though, that aforementioned area was rated the most dangerous section of New York City this year.

Me: (Drives down 60th street..sees Asian hailing for cab who tells me to turn right aka the only place I can turn)
Asian: 42nd street. Thank you.
Me: Same avenue?
Asian: Where are we, 9th avenue?
Me: Yeah
Asian: Yeah thas fine.

Don’t you hate when someone gets in a cab and then when they exit that’s when you suddenly realize they had a strange odor the entire time so you have to roll down the window?  Well you wouldn’t know why am I asking yall this ha…but it happened with this kid who was headin all the way down to Bensonhurst (West 8th street) cot damn.  It’s a $30 cab ride but I cheated myself out of a couple of dollars because I had forgotten to turn the meter on from 3rd avenue & 14th street to Avenue C and 6th street.  Fuck ha.

I return to Manhattan & I’m in the infamous Ludlow street area when this gay dude rockin shades & skinny shorts runs up onto me.  I’m weirded out that he asks if he could get into MY cab because there were about 6 empty cabs in front of me…but then out comes 4 chicks so that’s when I was able to get it..they needed a van ha.  One of the girls asks me what my name is…only to tell me that I’m gonna be called Sexy from now on.  Unfortunately for me they would never need to utter my name again.  Singin Rihanna in my ear I felt like I was at a bad Karaoke night at Nevadas.

DK’s Bordello/Bordell..ugh?:  I’m going down 22nd street because I’m thinking to myself that I’m gonna take 7th avenue down, cut east & eventually take the Willamsburg Bridge home.  Mind you, I’m in Chelsea at this point and it’s nothin but dudes holding each other.  Okay fine, expected.  I cross 8th avenue when suddenly this Spanish dude hails me so I stop on a dime and him & his boyfriend/date/I don’t wanna know get in.
“117th and Robert Douglass, Frederick Douglass papi.”
I do that.  I hear kissing in the background.  Focus on the road DK.
“Papi…are you taking the local way?”
Yes because 8th avenue turns into Central Park West and then turns into Frederick Douglass.
“I didn’t know that, ok ok papi.”
Hit some bumps on the road & stop short at times DK.  Brokeback Taxi cannot happen!  Relax kid, they’re gonna pay you and this shit was bound to happen anyway.  You get to go home after this, they won’t invite you so you’re good.

I drop them off.
“How much papi?”
“Here’s $15 papi that’s all I got.”
Hope your interest didn’t take that too literally.

I’m not the father.

New episode today at 530pm EDT.  And so on.


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