Archive for May, 2010

28
May
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/27/10).

After taking a nap, I admittedly was grumpy wakin up at 5 and leaving from there to go to the airport; where I waited for an hour before being sent to my favorite terminal- Terminal 7 to pick up a chick who was heading to Wall & Water streets.

Her: Hi how are you?
Me: I’m good. Y..
Her: Good, thanks.
DK’s Brain: She likes to get to the point, I could work with that at a later time.

She tells me some shit about how I look like Rupert Bond from The Wire since I’m lookin hella gruffy right now.  Except for the fact I’m prob 100 pounds heavier than him SMFH.  She tells me it’s a compliment.  I’m not 100% sure of this but I never heard someone say I look like him before.  I wish I’ve seen more of The Wire because that woulda been the ultimate icebreaker.  Nevertheless she pays me without tippin on the credit card..but gives me a $10 in cash.  The lack of tipping would be a recurring theme.  I don’t know if it’s because I was grumpy and the passengers sensed it..or if I just picked up shitty passengers but damn.

I had my fellow black people on my shit-list in terms of tipping and yesterday I almost felt like a gypsy cab because after I had a lady go from 57th and 10th avenue to 119th and 3rd (and tip $1 on a $13 ride)- I just kept getting them.
– This lady & her daughter hailed me on 125th and Amsterdam but I was off-duty because I wanted to go down Broadway.  Plus I was still disappointed.
– I pick up a black dude goin to 118th and 3rd on 115th and Broadway.  He actually tipped the best of the bunch ($2 on a $10.70 fare).
– This larger gentleman gets in my cab at 119th and 3rd.  I wasn’t gonna pick him up originally but I decided to put him to the test.  He’s goin to the 125th street 4-5-6 subway station and he bitches about the Taxi TV & that it’s just another way for the TLC to get over on people.  He asks me if the driver gets a cut of anything and I tell him no..which disappoints him.  His fare is $4.30 and he only gives me $4.  Hypocrite ha.
– Later on that night I was headin down Broadway in the 60s when Sex & The City 2 JUST finishes so a gaggle of women of course do too..lookin for cabs.  There’s a mad cabbie scramble and even though I get there second- the cab I was right behind doesn’t move and other cabs go around me.  I’m left with a black chick goin uptown to 117th and 2nd avenue.  $13.50 with a 50 cent tip which quite honestly I only got because she was under the impression I had no quarters.  By the way, she was my final passenger of the night- I was entirely too frustrated.

So for the umpteenth my fellow brothas & sistas…this is why cabbies don’t wanna pick yall up.  It’s not because yall are goin up to Harlem/Washington Heights (I had a white dude I picked up on 124th and Broadway, took to 163rd & Broadway and he tipped $2.70 on a $8.30 fare)…but it’s because your tippin etiquette is still severely lacking.  I will admit, it may have to do that they’re so used to taking gypsy cabs so they just negotiate a fare with them but cot damn.

I was jokin to myself that I’d go to 145th and Broadway.  For some reason I wanted to go there ha, mainly because I’d been rappin Dipset.  I pick up these spanish kids coming back from some prom function lookin to go to an afterparty so they’re goin…to 145th and Broadway.  Oh the irony.  They asked me how much it would cost and they were shocked that it was only $20 ($19.90)…they figured it was gonna be $70 in a gypsy.  It may sound hypocritical but I don’t really expect 17-18 year olds to know how to tip so I let them off the hook.

I decide to take a timeout and go to the McDonalds on 145th and Broadway.  I’m usin my mobile web (yes I don’t have a Blackberry or iPhone or Droid don’t judge me) and this dude sees me walkin up and steps in my way.
Him: Excuse me do you have a second?
DK’s Brain: Are you fuckin kidding?
Me: No (walks off).
Him: (steps closer to me) Please I need your help my name is (I forgot what) I live in a government-funded apartment (or some shit like that) with my wife & kid. I don’t have much money and I just want somethin to eat from here.
(I’m at a Halal stand)
Me: Here’s a dollar dawg.
Him: (gives me an incredulous look)
DK’s Brain: What more do you want nigga?  You dressed as poor as me.
(he’s wearin a black tee, shorts & sneakers- I’m wearin a white tee, baggy jeans & sneakers..I KNOW dude is lying out his ass but I had a feeling that if I didn’t help him out, he’d come after me so)
Him: Like a chicken gyro, lamb & rice.  You can buy it for me I don’t even want the money.
DK’s Brain: You got it all planned out huh??
Me: Ask him how much a chicken gyro cost.
(It’s $5)
Me: Take a $5.  Just buy it for yourself.  And that dollar, keep it too.
DK’s Brain: Just got robbed with kindness.  But fuck it, give credit where it’s due.
Him: I appreciate it so much.
DK’s Brain: Shut the fuck up.  DK, you’re an idiot.  But karma ultimately will decide everything.

Oh well.  That’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.

28
May
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (Back to School).

Today was a long day for me in which I had to take a one-time course in the AM…and then head to work in the PM (which I will write about later).

The Taxi & Limousine Commission (TLC) just recently mandated anyone who has a probationary license (a license for less than a year) to take a 4-hour continuing education course before your license expires.  This $20 class is in addition to the drug test & renewal fee for a now two-year license.  I decided to drive out to Long Island City rather than take the train..which was initially a mistake because I spent a good half-hour looking for parkin.  Finally I did, 8 blocks away from the damn place but it was at a broken meter so I was good to go.  I forgot my TLC license in the cab so I walked to-back-to..which I guess was a good workout.

I get there, and just like when I took my 24-hour class, I was the only person there that had an American accent.  There was even a chick driver there reppin for the ladies.  The guy had us go around & ask everybody what they like most & least about drivin.  Nothing too special except for a couple of hilarious stories I heard:
1) This Bengali dude had some guy take a piss in his cab.
2) The instructor told us a story on how a lady tried paying a fare with a credit card but her card was declined.  The cabbie called over a cop since she was gonna jump her fare so the cop told her she had to stay until someone paid for her (which they did in one credit card swipe).  Apparently three weeks later, the guy gets a letter saying that he has to go to court because the lady alleges that he grabbed her (and took a picture of a bruise she claimed she got from him) which was 100% false…except the cabbie didn’t get the cop’s info or anything..so in summation he was found guilty of getting physical with a customer which is a $1,600 fine & 60 day suspension.

The scary thing about being a cab driver is that points accumulated on your state license have an effect on your TLC license as well..and even tickets received.  If I get caught on the phone without a bluetooth in a private car it’s a summons & if found guilty not only do I have to pay that fine, BUT also I have to pay the TLC’s fine which is $200 + 3 TLC points + $75 for a 2 hour class.

I was officially told that I’m not supposed to have an iPod in the car.  Fuck that shit ha.  Someone said they had a problem with two guys making out in the cab when they’re driving and actually according to the rulebook, you can tell people to NOT conduct any sexual activities in the cab if you don’t find it comfortable.  Hmmmm.  Will DK’s Bordello be shut down?

They did show this chilling video at the end about the dangers of texting and driving.  I’m sure they’ve shown it at defensive driving classes before (this chick with her friends in the car is drivin & textin and it causes a major accident killing her friends, a couple other people and leaving her seriously injured).

This was part one of my day.  I went home around 2:15, took me with traffic about an hour to get home, took a nap then went to the airport.  To be continued.  And so on.

27
May
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (Cash Cab Remix).

People will literally ask me to ask them questions as if I’m a cash cab.  Well..I was pretty tired yesterday I won’t front and I kept having brain freezes.  However, I did muster the following:

Q: When was the iPhone first released?
A (that I was given): 2004.
DK’s Brain: LMFAOOOO
Actual Answer: 2007.

Q (they asked me): How many passengers you pick up per shift?
A (I told them): 15-20 on a weekday; 25-30 on a weekend.
DK’s Brain: Stupid fuckin question.
Them: Well I don’t have an exact correct answer for that.
Me: Well, you can’t ha.

Q: True or False- 50 Cent’s first album was Get Rich or Die Trying?  If it’s false, name the album.
A (by one of them): True.
A (by another): False.  Die Rich or Get…I don’t know.
Actual Answer: Power of the Dollar.
Them: That ain’t fair that’s like underground.

Their Q: Mos Def had a 4-CD set “Best of Mos Def: B-Sides”.  Name anyone on there he collaboed with.
Me: Talib Kweli.
Them: Aww c’monnn that’s too easy.
Me: Well you told me anyone ha.  Blackstar obviously.
Other Answers: Q-Tip, De La Soul, etc.

Q: What school did Lady Gaga go to for college?
One of them: Some French school.
Another one: Had to be a school of arts or something.
The third: I bet this is a trick question and she didn’t go to college.
A: NYU.
One of them: Get the fuck outta here.
Me: Yeah, she dropped out though after a couple of years.

That’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.

26
May
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/25/10).

Days like yesterday are perfect examples of why I don’t fully appreciate beautiful days outside..nobody wants to get inside a cramped up cab when you can walk outside.  I will say though not too much happened outside of these:

I was going down 7th avenue and I pick up this extra large African-American lady who is heading to Riverside Drive.  She was a nice lady and all..but she took a good 20 seconds to get inside the cab.  As she was directing me this is how it sounded like:
Me: So take 8th avenue to Broadway right?
Her: 8th avenue…to Broadway..to Amsterdam (breaths after each one).
DK’s Brain: Talking should NOT be a strenuous workout.
She starts eatin what I believe are fries in my cab and this ain’t cool since at that point I’m hungry (the hunger pang would go away though) and then she tells me I have to take her to a store.
DK’s Brain: For more food are you fuckin jokin?
Her: I’ll be right back.
DK’s Brain: She better be gettin a Naked Juice.
Her: (returns with some flowers)
DK’s Brain: Aww how nice.  I hope that’s not dinner, though.

She directs me to her building which is the first door on the left-hand side..but I can’t drop her off in front because there’s a car to my right that would be blockin the street too.  After hesitating in regards to how much to give me, she gives me a 70 cent tip on a $12.30 probably due to this but listen..it’s okay to walk uphill 75 yards you know?

I pick up this couple from Madison & 93rd headin towards the South Street Seaport (but of course, they’re not actually going THERE..they’re givin me the general area & then directing me from that point).  I have to be nice though..they wouldn’t know that I have a GPS in my car unless I told them & was able to input their intersection.  They tell me to hop on the FDR..which is the best idea obviously..except that that shit ain’t movin one iota.  Oh but why?  The lady tells me to put it on 1010 WINS and they say there’s an accident on the FDR around 86th street (aka around where I entered the highway) but I don’t see anything.  Oh yeah, a fender-bender on the side was the reason.  I would usually say you’ve got to be kidding me but the thing is..on the FDR it’s hella narrow so there’s not like anywhere you can pull over persay.  Regardless..you have GOT to be kiddin me.  Situations like these make me feel good because hey; I’m gettin extra money for not moving because it’s a request the PASSENGER made..not me.  Other way around= complaining, huffin/puffin.

Guy (screaming): TAXI!!!
Me: WTF??
Guy (hops in): Bus Terminal
Me: Which one?
DK’s Brain: Brain Freeze.
Guy: Which other one would it be besides Port Authority.
DK’s Brain: Tourist moments FOR THE LOSS.
Me: Ahh, haha duh. (embarrassed)

I would expect this during rush hour but NOT at 10pm at night:
Guy (exasperated): You available.
Me: (motions him to get in the car)
Guy: (what I thought he said) 42nd and 2nd.
Me: 42nd? or 47th?
Guy: 47th. Four-Seven. 47th and 2nd.
Guy: 47thand2nd. Ifyou’regoingup3rdthen3rdand46th.
(yes that’s how he sounded)
DK’s Brain: Don’t be a smartass with me.

I cruise up 3rd avenue and am about to drop him off on 3rd and 46th as he told me.
Guy: Make that turn on 46th street. 2nd and 46th street.
DK’s Brain: Will. You. Calm. The. Fuck. Down??
Me: Gotcha, gotcha, yessir.
Guy: Near left corner is fine.  How much do I owe you, $7.10?  Do you have enough change?
DK’s Brain: For once I do yes.  Even if it’s a fuckin $100.
Me: Yep.
Guy: Or do you need me to give you exact change?
Me: At this point it’s up to you.
Guy: No! It’s up to you you need to tell me or else I can hop in another cab and ask for change.
DK’s Brain: Come again?? Hell fuckin no.
Me: I have enough change so it’s all good.
Guy hands me a $20; I give him the change and his exasperated ass gets out with a receipt.
DK’s Brain: I got a headache.

The more you know: A couple who were visiting from England were shocked to see a yellow cab pull over someone.  Yes, undercover cops can be disguised as cab drivers.  NIGHTMARES.  To the untrained eye; you would never know..but a few of ways to know a NYC Taxi Cop Car:
1) The occupied light is always off.
2) The passenger is sitting in the front.
3) They’re white.  No, I’m serious..you really don’t see white cab drivers.
4) The medallion number will start with either 2W or 6Y.
Otherwise; it’s a pretty good ploy to try & get people.  It’s not like the Impalas where they have hella antennas that give them away.  There are about 20 of these cars roaming around.

That’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.

25
May
10

DK’s Brain- Best & Worst Tippers.

Over the course of my three months driving the cab, I’ve began to get used to who will step their game up when it comes to tips..and who are simply Grade A Jackasses.  While every passenger is different and can buck their stereotype (whether positively or negatively); here are the results thus far:

Best Overall Tippers- Bartenders & Waiters/Waitresses.  When you think about it it shouldn’t come as any surprise; since they themselves know that they live or die with tips.  I tend to get a really good vibe with them too…since we have quite a bit in common.  I would assume strippers would be in this category too although I unfortunately have yet to pick up one.

People also on DK’s Good Side Tip Wise:
– Gays & Lesbians- I’m not really sure how to be honest…but they tend to be fairly generous.  Maybe it’s because I’m tolerant enough to pick them up?
– British- England (especially London) also has a world-class taxi service so they totally understand the deal here also.
– Airport Trips that don’t involve French or Indian people- A usual JFK-Manhattan trip will net me about a 20% tip from just about everyone..at least.  Sometimes it’s more if I converse with them.
– Anyone you converse with in general- Like I’ve said dozens of times, I don’t like to start up convos..but if someone does with me, I will try to keep their attention/keep them entertained.  You have to work for your tips not only by getting them from point A to point B as fast & safely as possible; but also by being respectful to them.
– Puerto Ricans- This surprised me.  I don’t pick them up too often because they usually don’t get in yellow cabs but they’re pretty effin good at this.  Sometimes, almost like their food, they can be very generous with their tip servings.
– Trips to Midwood/Bensonhurst in Brooklyn- It’s a longass trip to no-man’s land late night so you know those people are grateful that you’re willing to take them over there.

Worst Overall Tippers- Anyone who asks me “How much will it cost?”  That’s a recipe for disaster.  You know they’re only used to gypsy cabs & negotiating fares with them..so they’ll pay that exact amount & nothing more.

People also on DK’s Bad Side Tip Wise:
– African-Americans- They normally don’t take yellow cabs either..and in general my people are notoriously bad tippers anywhere (restaurants, bars, etc) so I don’t think most of my people know any better.  I think if Barack Obama made a 10 minute tape on tipping etiquette there would be some “change” if you will.
– French & Italians from Europe- It’s probably a part of their culture over there where tipping is considered an insult.  I have no idea how.  But I don’t get my hopes up when I have to pick one of them up.
– Indians/Pakis/Bengalis- They almost always pay with credit card and leave a measly $1 tip regardless of how far the trip takes me.
– Koreans/Chinese- They’re awful tippers also.  I call em the “won-dolla” nation.  The exception are those Asians who are Americanized..if you will.  They are okay by me.
– People I pick up from Port Authority- They tend to be in one of those groups. All. The. Damn. Time.
– Spanish people who ask if I speaka di Spanish- It’s a wrap.

Biggest Crapshoot- Passengers who go to the East Side.  I’ve gotten the strangest tips from them. Either they’ll be really good tippers; or downright awful (like the kid who left a 59 cent tip on his card once).  The fact they ask for cents back at times also downright slays me.

What about hot girls who get in your cab?- More often than not, just like when I guest bartended one time..they don’t necessarily tip that well.  They’re good for some eye-candy but most of the time if they’re by themselves they’re too busy on the Blackberry.  In a group however, they tip okay.

A Practice You’ll See Sometimes- Every now and then I’ll have passengers who won’t leave a tip on the card but will tip me in cash.  Works for me.  Probably the intimidation of being yelled at by other cab drivers has done this to them.

DK, are Jews as cheap as their stereotype portrays?- I wouldn’t know because the traditionally dressed/practicing Jews don’t take cabs.  Otherwise..I would say no.  The thing is, you know how black & spanish people like to differentiate themselves (oh I’m Haitian, Jamaican, Trini, Puerto Rican, Dominican, etc.).  White people I can’t tell what their nationality/religion is 75% of the time ha.

What do you think determines how good/bad your tip is gonna be?- As long as you don’t drive like a lunatic.  Most riders don’t give a fuck about anything else as long as you listen to them when needed & the cab isn’t dirty.  I don’t think I’ma get an extra dollar if I have one of those car scent things everywhere.

And that’s all the time we have for today. If I left anyone out, holla at me.  And so on.

24
May
10

DK’s Brain- Six Questions.

Today was nothin to write home about.  I did five airport trips; one from JFK-Grand Central, four from LaGuardia and 3 trips within Manhattan..which was pretty quiet tonight.  So with that said…

Q: Why are cab drivers so rude?
A: I was talkin to this Indian dude (married with kids) at the airport tonight and he gave me some insight on this.  He told me that since most people associate cab drivers amongst the lowest of the low in the working totem poll, he doesn’t feel the need to acknowledge them and give them the time of day to talk.  He told me also that there’s no need for others to know about him since they have a certain perception already.  Makes sense.  It’s different for me, I don’t mind talking to people if they want to start conversation.

Q: Why do cab drivers get so angry when customers pay with credit card?
A: I’ve mentioned this before; but will do so again in case yall have forgotten or are just beginning to read my blog.  5% of each credit card transaction goes to the credit card machine company (in our case, Verifone).  It doesn’t sound like much sure..but when you’re getting 20-25 passengers per day and if even half pay with credit card..that’s a decent chunk of change that the cabbie doesn’t see.  For those who work the garages, it’s even worse because they don’t keep everything they make.  For example- if someone pays $54.50 on a JFK-Manhattan trip ($45+tip; no toll) in cash…I’d keep $54 and the other $.50 I collect for the MTA tax.  If they pay that in credit however..$2.73 of that fare is going to the credit card company.  Doesn’t sound like a lot (can’t even buy a Naked Juice with that) but trust me it adds up.

Q: Why do some cab drivers use the CASH lane when they’re at a toll instead of the EZ-Pass?
A: To me it doesn’t make any sense because whether the customer pays the $5.50 at the toll or the $4.57 combined with whatever fare it is..as a driver you’re not gonna see the money anyway.  Some cab drivers leave their medallion lights on if they get a city fare to ensure their customers pay in cash (foreigners are almost always going to) so they don’t have to turn the meter on & have to collect that MTA tax.  You can get in trouble though if a TLC cop catches you.

Q: Do you feel comfortable when a stranger rides in the front with you?
A: Not 100% but I know they’re not gonna do anything weird/strange to me (or so I hope anyway).  If it’s a chick..of course I will.  But only dudes really ride shotgun.  They tend to be the most talkative too (naturally) since it’s such a close proximity.  I have one of those partitions that does NOT block me and the shotgun passenger (some cabs have the dual one for the back & side).  It weirds me out when there’s less than five passengers getting into a cab, though.

Q: Do you think customers feel more comfortable when they ride with you because you “speak perfect English & a native New Yorker”?
A: For the most part it doesn’t make a difference whatsoever since I’m just drivin and he or she is riding (in the car..pervs).  However, you’ll have passengers who do have conversations with me and wind up being shocked..as if I shouldn’t be driving a cab.  Why is it when a black person’s tryin to do something positive to put cash in their pocket it’s an “OMG” moment??  In all seriousness though- for those people I definitely think it puts them more at ease and at least temporarily- debunks their assumptions of cab drivers.

Q: Favorite & least favorite day of the week to work (stress-wise & money-wise)?
A: In terms of stress…Sundays are my least stressful even though they’re the days I make the least amount of money and Saturdays are my most stressful even though I make the most amount of money.  Sure, on Sundays you’re going up against a ton of other vacant cabs driving up and down the city…but for me especially after working a Friday AND Saturday night dealing with the hecticness & non-stop moving..it’s a nice change of pace.  I can go to JFK or LGA and never deal with traffic.  Fridays aren’t that bad because you don’t deal with as many of those B&T fucks as you do on a Saturday…although at times traffic is worse.

And so on.

23
May
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/22/10).

Saturday nights usually go one of two ways.  They can be highly entertaining or highly annoying; and yesterday turned out to be the latter.

I picked up an older couple who were going to Restaurant Row.  I know where it’s located (46th street between 8th and 9th avenues) but they were attempting to get me the “exact coordinates” who says that ha?  I took Park Avenue up to 47th street and they were curious as to why there’s a viaduct.  For those who may not know; the monstrosity that’s the Grand Central Terminal blocks off Park Avenue at 42nd street and for local traffic between 43rd-47th streets you have to take Vanderbilt Avenue.  Hence, there’s a Park Avenue Tunnel from 33rd-40th streets and then that viaduct which is supposed to speed up traffic (not really).  I digress though.

We run into a shitload of traffic around 7th avenue and Broadway and now I was approaching 8th avenue.  Made the light but the problem was..there was so much west bound traffic that I wound up stuck in no-man’s land (right were pedestrians can cross, etc) along with this blue minivan with an Ontario license plate (random).  After letting all the passengers (or so I thought) go- the blue van starts to make a move but then suddenly slams their brakes a split second later.  It happened so quickly that by the time I was forced to hit mine..yes, I love-tapped his car.  To be fair, I thought it was worse because I hit a crunching sound..however it was really just my license plate.  Anyhow; given they were Indians, they STOP RIGHT THERE & put their hazards on.  REALLY?? AT THAT BUSY OF AN INTERSECTION??? I can’t move obviously since I love-tapped them and they’re inspecting the damage.  One of the guys looks at me:
Me: What? You can’t just go & then brake so suddenly like that dude.
Guy: (blank stare)
DK’s Brain: Yeah you heard me bitch do you see anything on your car?  No.  Keep it movin.
These clowns though decide they’re gonna start drivin at 10mph crosstown and hold up all the traffic that’s behind them.  This chick gets out to inspect the “damage” and she claims that there are a couple of scratches…making it seem like the worst thing that’s ever happened to them.  I know if I wasn’t drivin a cab you wouldn’t even be botherin with this.  They hop back in & continue driving hella slow and were going straight (I needed to turn left so I do).  They suddenly decide they’re gonna turn left too.  Oh really now?  They’re gonna follow me some more?  You have got to be joking.  I finally drop off my passengers (who took my side the whole way by the way & knew they just wanted to cause drama since they were bored) and the clowns in the blue van keep it movin.  It helped that I didn’t signal my left turn either.

Quote of the Night: “If there was a way to keep all those fuckin Jersey drivers outta here I’d be much happier. They’re a fuckin joke.  What they should do is when they cross the river there should be someone at every toll booth who asks them six questions.  If they get one wrong..turn em right back around.  Fuckin can’t stand them.”- some dude with a THICK NY accent ha.

A few moments later on Central Park West (with the same passengers I were with), these 3 white boys were in a livery cab bumpin some Wacka Flocka Flame on the radio (I had it on too) and the kid ridin shotgun is dancin hella hard.  The same guy says “That’s alcohol poisoning right there!” I was rollin.  “Watch, he’s fine now but that’s just a whole lotta throwin up waiting to happen.”  I look over & I’m laughin and so are they.  I begin mock dancin to it too and they begin pointing goin YEAHHH!  Hooray for sobriety.

These dudes were on Union Square (how convenient for a buncha squares) with signs that said “FREE HUGS”.  I wish I had a picture but I unfortunately made the light so I didn’t have a chance to take a camera.  Makin my people look bad SMFH.  No one by the way stopped to give them hugs.  One of them saw a gaggle of white girls come through and he was askin them if they wanted a free hug.  He went 0-5 with 5Ks.

The fastest way to make $10 in less than 5 minutes picking up two passengers:
-Kid on 96th and Park wanting to go to 85th and Madison at 130am- 2 minutes since NO ONE was on the road: $6.70 after tip
-Speed down 5th avenue- 1 minute
-Pick up some guy you barely see (only saw him bc of his Blackberry) and take him from 75th to 64th streets- 1 minute: $4.70 after tip.

You got some knuckleheads.  This broad sees my taxi stopped at a light and takes a picture with herself on it.  I joke with her “Well you could have at least took the picture with me lookin!” and they do that typical fake smile bullshit as they walk away.  Then these B&T fucktards are crossin the middle of 14th street and as I pass them one of them spits on my taxi.  I was about to turn around and ask “does that make you feel good tough guy?” but they were definitely juiced up.  Muscle Milk FTW.

Ask DK Mailbag:
Chick- Don’t you ever get nervous when you drive in the city?
Me- I’d be lying if I said no…although you have to realize no one is trying to get into an accident…they just want to get/stay in front of you.  People drive crazy…but it’s controlled chaos.
Chick- I could never do it.
DK’s Brain- The world is a safer place because of it.

I pick up this Spanish lady right after I drop off a lazy ass family who needed to go 5 blocks uptown (not that I’m complaining because I made $8 off of them) and she asks me if I speaka de Spanish..which I don’t.  She tells me she needs to go to 25 and 36.  What the fuck??  25th avenue and 36th street??  Doesn’t show up on my GPS.  “No no no di address here” and she shows me her text.  OHHHH.  The fare comes up to $20.70 so I tell her to pay $21.  She gives me a $20 and just looks at me.
Me: It’s $21.
Her: $21?  (hands me another $20)
DK’s Brain: Nigga she gonna want $19 back don’t even bother.
Me: Keep it, don’t bother.
Her: Thank you so much.
DK’s Brain: Fuck my life.

I cross the Williamsburg Bridge making my triumphant return to Manhattan where I ultimately have to make a decision.  I’m on the 2nd lane to the right and this dude & 2 chicks were hailing for a cab.  I didn’t think I was gonna be able to get them..but the car that was next to me was making a right turn…so I was able to pick them up.  I hesitated quite a bit because I figured they were gonna take me to Brooklyn again & I didn’t want that.  The dude had a huge ass guitar…I presume he just finished performing.
Him: Ocean Parkway & Beverly Road.
DK’s Brain: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mainly the reason why my brain did that was because I knew there was gonna be hella traffic on the BQE since there were doing construction…and I didn’t know the detour (which I do now).  I cross over the Manhattan Bridge where I had to make a decision.
Me: You know an alternate way where I DON’T have to take the BQE?
Dude: I don’t really know.
DK’s Brain: Take Flatbush Avenue down…but then again I don’t know where right now.
Chick: I don’t think the traffic is gonna be that bad..it’s probably just a blip.
DK’s Brain: JUST A BLIP?? THEY SAID HEAVY DELAYS EXPECTED!! But whatever the customer wants right.  Time for torture.
Me: O…kay.
I swear I was on the BQE for about 15 minutes going about 3 miles.  Then I get off at the Hamilton Avenue exit because the Prospect Expressway ramp is closed.
Chick: They’re just saying that..it’s not actually closed.
DK’s Brain: I’m gonna take what a sign says over your word especially after last time.
DK’s Brain: Kill me with this fuckin traffic.
(sees 4th avenue eventually as part of the detour)
DK’s Brain: Holy fuck…I coulda took 4th avenue down and saved about 20ish minutes I hate myself.
Me: (Taking deep breaths trying not to lose my cool).

A trip that normally takes about 20 minutes takes 65.  It came out to about $31 but the dude gives me $53.  I was stunned to be honest.  Very nice guy, he was hella appreciative because I believe a few off-duty cabs had passed him..not to mention my snap judgment told me to pick him up.  I guess that was the reason why.  He gets his guitar and gives me another $10.  I feel much better now.

Dude: Where’s the best lounge at?
DK’s Brain: I DON’T FUCKIN KNOW!
Me: Meatpacking District a few blocks away is poppin.  Try Bar 675 it’s hella chill.
Dude: Sounds good to me.  We bout to be in there like swim wear.
DK’s Brain: People still say that?

This one dude hails a cab.  All of a sudden from the shadows SIX people show up.
Him: Can you fit 7 people in here?
DK’s Brain: I know I have a soccer mom’s van but yall sure ain’t a team.
Me: I shouldn’t but I will anyway.
Him: We goin to Chicken & Rice you know where that is??
Me: Course I do.
DK’s Brain: Even if my brain was on drugs I’d know where Chicken & Rice is.  Matter of fact if I was..I’d have an even better idea.

He begins rappin “You can have some chicken & rice…you can have some chicken & rice” on that T.I tip.  He actually did a pretty decent job ha.  This is the one time I wish I had a video camera because he started goin off on a strange tangent quoting the most random shit.  The only thing I paid attention to was “Kentucky F. Chicken.”  Who says that???

DK’s Bordello: I thought I’d be able to avert this…not so fast.  The final passengers I pick up are these two gay dudes and they’re going to Brooklyn (or so I thought together).  The one guy hailed the cab as if he was trying to hand me a rose.  WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?? Anyway, they get in and initially they’re gonna sit in the front…but then they make their way to the back.  Next minute I’m lookin at my mirror tryin to see who’s behind me & these dudes get their Adam Lambert/Brokeback Mountain make out on.  AHHHHH!!!
DK’s Brain: Focus ON. THE. ROAD.  Everything in front of you.
At least they stop making out when they get to the bridge.  But the session was for a good five minutes or so.  I drop the first guy off and I overhear one of them sayin somethin about “it keeps getting better everyday” as they make out some more.  Run meter run.  Then I’m supposed to drop off the other guy…BACK TO MANHATTAN.  Wait…what?  But whatever, I got $30 from the whole ordeal although this guy passes out in my cab so I have to get out, knock on the side mirror after I yell YO! about 5 times and THEN he wakes up.
Him (with that voice): I’m so sorr-ieee.
Me: All good..as long as you’re alive.
DK’s Brain: Where’s that Men in Black mind eraser thing again?

That’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.