16
May
10

DK’s Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/14/10).

I was away for the weekend down in Brigatine celebrating my homegirl’s graduation from law school; and even though I got home around 530pm, the cab was not there so I decided to take today off too.  Nevertheless, Friday was a longer day than expected which basically was a tale of two halves.  The first half of my day from 5-11pm were extremely uninteresting…but right after my break it got hella interesting.

My first passenger was this Asian guy I picked up from Terminal 4.  He tried talking to me on occasion but I could not understand him whatsoever.
(sees sirens goin south on the Van Wyck)
Him: Whoa..lot of police.
Me:  Remember that truck that looked like it was messed up?
Him: Ohh. Yes. Haha. (insert Chinese warrior voice here)

He was stayin at a hotel on 92nd between 1st and York and wondered how far it was to Chinatown from there (about a 15-20 min cab ride that’d probably cost him $15 after meter).  He tries paying with a $100 but I told him to go break change at the hotel.  He went inside with the bellhop and for a second I thought he wasn’t comin back..but he pays me $59.07 after toll/tip.  He then wonders why on the receipt the tip he gave me doesn’t show.  When you pay in cash..it doesn’t.  I can’t expect him to know that, though.

I don’t know if people deliberately don’t hear me but I cannot stand when I ask someone if they want to be dropped off on the right or left side of the street and then don’t answer.  What’s worse is when they decide to tell me when I’m 3 or 4 blocks away.
Me (at 39th street and 2nd avenue): Sir, right side or left side?  (repeats question)
No response.
Guy (at 35th and 2nd and with me being on the 2nd lane to the left): It’s gonna be on the near corner on the northwest side of the street right in front of the Starbucks (which was on 32nd street).
DK’s Brain: You’re a fuckin joke.

I took a break at McDonalds to get what I almost always get from there (double cheeseburger & small fries).  Really thought I was lookin to take a piss.  I was well within my reach of hitting my goal for the night and the original plan was to drive for a couple of more hours and end the shift at 1am since I needed to wake up at 645 on Saturday.  The original plan never works.  Ever.

The first passenger I pick up after my shift was this Spanish lady heading over to Penn Station after eating dinner.  There was a cabbie in front of me who was about to pick them up but I think he saw them hesitating too much and with me being right behind him I think he got shook so he left.  I’m in the 70s and Broadway and the only real logical way to get to Penn Station is by takin Broadway to the Columbus Circle roundabout, go east to 7th avenue and take it all the way down.  Then I get stuck in traffic around Times Square for about 4 minutes or so.
Woman: Why would you take 7th avenue down??
Me: Because that’s where Penn Station is?
Woman: I’m not criticizing your driving or anything like that, I would figure you would have known to avoid that tourist trap.
DK’s Brain: WTF??
Me: What time is your train (sees it’s 1219am)?
Her: 1235.
Me: You’ll make it with plenty of time to spare.
Her: I hope so.

I got to Penn Station at 1226.

The next passengers I pick up were by far the most entertaining.  Classic drunk as fuck broads from Long Island I’m assuming.  Two of them get in the back and one decides she wants to sit in front with me.  Ain’t nothin wrong with that.
Me: Where we goin?
Her (name I find out later is Stacy): Dunno yet hold your horses.
Girl 2: You know where Hudson Terrace is?
Me: No.
Girl 2: (checks Blackberry then gives me the address).
Stacy: Do I have enough time to take my shoes awff?
Me: Yes
Stacy: (takes them off  & puts her feet on my dashboard)
DK’s Brain: Who does this bitch think she is?
Stacy: Eww you see how hot my feet are?  A little mark on the window that’s so embarrassing.
DK’s Brain: Thank God I have wipes in the cab.
Stacy: What’s your name?
Me: Jayson.
Stacy: Jayson do you love pink vagina??
Me: Course I do; as any straight male would tell you.
Stacy: Why won’t anyone make out with me whenever I go out?
Me: Huh?  Shit I would.
Girl 2: Hahaha.  Maybe we should close this mirror thing and let you two have a moment.
DK’s Brain: Wouldn’t that be somethin?
Me: No guys want to make out with you when you’re out? I find that weird- if you gave me the opportunity I’d eat it alive.
Stacy: I know, right? Maybe they think I’m an animal?
DK’s Brain: Ding Ding Ding.
Stacy (yells out window): HEY! JAYSON LOVES PINK VAGINA!!
DK’s Brain: Reason #2.
Stacy: Well sometimes it’s red too.
Me: I know.  When it is, I stay away.  Green light for me is when it’s pink.
Stacy: I shaved my legs today.  I don’t know why though, I haven’t gotten any in so long.
DK’s Brain: I bet so long for you is 7 days.
Girl 2: Feel my arm and how smooth it is.
Me & Stacy both feel it.
Stacy: I didn’t shave my arms though.
Girl 2: Is there a bathroom in the cab??
DK’s Brain: Hell fuckin no.
Me: Not in the least.
(later smells a weird smell that’s semi like piss)
Stacy: Eww-a. Did you fart or something Christopher?
Me: I’m not Christopher..and no.  Where the hell is the smell comin from anyway?
Stacy: I haven’t farted since middle school.
DK’s Brain (Long Island accent): Fawkin li-yar.

Stacy then calls me Christopher again.  I have NO CLUE WHY.  I don’t look like a Christopher whatsoever.  Unless you’re tryin to insinuate that I look like Christopher Wallace?  That’s fucked up God rest his soul.

I go across 46th street and five people get in my cab; 2 were going to a hotel and the other 3 were going to Astoria.  I thought my cab was gonna start saggin  with all the weight that was entering.
Girl: Are you cash cab?
Me: Never that.
Girl 2: Ask us questionssss.
DK’s Brain: Is this Deja Vu?
Me: Ask me questions; I have nothing right now.

And they ask me generic questions..such as if I’m a Yankees or Mets fan..if I’m a Giants or Jets fan.  I’m Mets/Jets and one of the girls thinks that I’d be better off living in Jersey then.  I was asked if I hate the Yankees and I tell her that I used to, but I have a new respect for them now since they shut the Phillies up.  I still dislike them..but I don’t have the disdain for them like I once did.

I let the couple out at the hotel and they also have to get the rest of the girls’ shit that the left in the hotel. I start talking to the one that stayed in.  Chubby pale chick who I didn’t find attractive at all..but she was very nice.  Always works that way right?  Then I’m driving up 8th avenue where a dude tries to hit on them; talkin about they’re goin to a Karaoke bar because it’s his friend’s last night in New York.  They keep askin him if he was a tourist.  Eventually I get to the home borough where the questions become interesting.
Skinny chick in group: What are your thoughts on breast implants?
Me: I’m all about 100% naturality.
Skinny chick: Aww damn.  I want breast implants though I think my tits are too small.
Me: How small?
Her: B-cup.
Me: I’m more of a C/D guy.
Thick chick sittin in the back: We’re not friends.
Me: Ha why, your tits are big but they’re proportionate to your body.
Skinny chick: Where is there a strip club around here?
Me: I have no idea honestly, the only strip clubs I know are in Manhattan.
Skinny chick: I wanna go to one.  You should take off work and come with us.
DK’s Brain: Oh really?
Me: Yall can have a personal show for me now if you wish ha.
Thick chick in back: Yeah I can give you a lap dance (to skinny chick).
(cues Twilight Zone music)

To be fair, they promised me a big tip and to form..they did just that.  It was now 1:40am so I could have went home..but I wasn’t tired so I decided fuck it, let’s go back into the city.

I pick up these two chicks on 1st avenue and 3rd street who weren’t going too far.  Another guy is tryin to holla at one of the girls.  She’s clearly disinterested with her fake ass smile & that “heh heh” that means shut the fuck up.

I can’t remember how I ended up on 58th street but I was about a block and a half away from callin it a day & hopping over the Queensboro Bridge.  I then see a guy hail for a cab so I stop and let him in.  He’s headin to the infamous Christopher Street on 7th avenue south.  He starts talkin my head off about how he doesn’t like how America tries to tell the world what to do..when America has just as many, if not more, problems than other countries do.  He then talks about how the phrase “The city never sleeps” is bullshit because on a Sunday night, the city is dead.  He got a point there..but there’s still people who DO go out on Sunday nights and places are STILL open hella late.  Go to any other city and it’d be a virtual ghost town.  He then tells me about what upset him tonight:
Guy: I was at this place tonight and this guy had the nerve to call me old.
Me: I can see why you’re upset; probably how he said it or whatever.  You should feel blessed that you’ve lived this long.
Guy: I know, I wanted to give him a piece of my mind but I just let it go..but how do you say something like that to someone..that they’re old.  That’s racist..I mean, prejudice.
Guy: I’m also a gay.  You don’t have a problem with that right?
Me: Nah, just so long as you don’t act it out on me; which I know you wouldn’t anyway.

He had a point about how people in this world are still racist..but they’re just afraid to show that they are now.

I pick up a Lesbian couple next on the same block and take them to their two stops.  The lady who I took to the final stop her and I begin discussing the most stressful jobs in America.  I tell her cab driver was #3 and firefighter was #1..which she thought was bullshit.  She felt that a lifeguard should be #1 because you ALWAYS have to be on watch and remain focused; at least firefighters have a lot of downtime and only have to answer the call when they get that call.  Hmm.  They make a lifeguard seem so glamorous on TV shows..or was it just because it was Baywatch?  She had a point though in terms of having to be vigilant at all times.

My final passengers were these 3 gay Spanish guys goin to Battery Park City.  “Go west..and then south.” Thanks for your excellent directions.

That’s it for today.  New episode Tuesday at 5pm EDT.  And so on.

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2 Responses to “DK’s Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/14/10).”


  1. 1 Eze U.
    May 17, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    DK’s Brain should get his own Twitter account, kinda like LeBronsElbow and KobeBryantsJaw.

  2. 2 Eze U.
    May 17, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Also, you want me to sharpen up that banner for you? Let me know the dimensions and I’ll send you a resized version.


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