DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/21/10).

Driving in Manhattan on a Friday night makes me wish I never had a car.  Untimely construction in certain areas too doesn’t help but one thing I was certainly pleased about was not having any long-haul trips.  The only time I left Manhattan was to literally go over the Williamsburg Bridge and drop someone off a block or two away.  A couple of things I want to get out of the way before I continue:

1) When you hail a cab, please stick your arm out when you do it.  Don’t meekly raise your hand as if you were 5 years old and just had an accident in the classroom…but are scared to tell the teacher in front of the class.  Nor don’t just stand there and expect me to just come to a stop in front of you.  Yelling “TAXI!” is akin to yelling “WAITER!” it doesn’t produce results unless you raise your hand.  Sure, it may look like when Hitler did his hailing back in the day but it garnered attention then and it still does now.

2) What is with yall on the Upper East Side and asking for change back/giving me change?  Some lady asks me to give her $12.50 back; a couple of people gave me $5.25 and $8.25 respectively.  The hell do quarters do for me seriously?? I understand that fares may end with cents but in all seriousness who is gonna ask for $2.70 back for example?  I have a change holder but the only change I have in there are a couple of British quarters someone gave me (unbeknowst to me) a month ago.  Now I’m gonna carry quarters with me.

3) You cannot expect me to automatically know where a hotel is; and certainly not where a bar or club exactly is.  I need cross streets.  There are entirely too many of those here in the city.  Sure I may know where certain establishments are but when I take the test…I’m supposed to know certain landmarks but not where the Mariott Marquis is.  There’s hella Mariotts ha.
Guy: The Mariott Marquis
Me: You got an address for that?
Guy: Times Square.  Just take us home ha ha.
DK’s Brain: Times Square is NOT a fuckin address.

Anyhow, the first half of the evening was boring per usual..and then the advantage of having a van strikes because I’m able to pick up five people and take them to Alphabet City.  This white guy who looks like a younger Jack Black gets in the front and introduces himself to me ha.  I’m playin my music and he wants me to turn that joint up (Mister Cee on Hot 97 is on) and as I’m cruisin down 2nd avenue some Usher begins playing.  He begins dancing to make the 2 chicks he was with (two other dudes were in the back back) start laughin and then he wants me to dance as well.
Him: Yeah! But you gotta break it down for me how do I do it like you?
Me: With rhythm?
Him: Yeah man I gotta learn from yall.
DK’s Brain: You could just say black people have rhythm.
DK’s Brain: This is a no homo moment.
Me: Well you gotta work your hips into that shit like you’re tryin to drill into the Gulf of Mexico.
Him: (arms up and grindin on the chair).
Me: That’s better.  Now you just gotta make sure you don’t do so in a creepy manner.
DK’s Brain: Did that just happen?

With that being said, he tells me that they all work for an advertising company and I learn that Geico spends about $500 million on advertising a year.  Dear God.

I’m coming down 2nd avenue and this fly Boricua chick hails my cab.  I swear I thought I hit the jackpot.  Then it gets weird because I thought her and (what I come to find out) her sister were gonna get in…but instead it’s just her and she opens up my FRONT door.
Me: Where are you goin?
Her: Rutgers and East Broadway (some shit like that).
Her Sister: (drunk as a mother fucker and hailing another cab).
Me: Why ain’t yall goin in the same cab?
Her: Really what happened is she got kicked out of the bar (Turtle Bay) and she wants to go somewhere else but I’m not tryin to leave yet. I ain’t get kicked out so I’m just pretending I’m goin home when I’m not.  She’s wastedddd.
DK’s Brain: (salivates) God bless her figure & legs & smell.
Her: Do you believe she’s 40? I’m 30.
DK’s Brain: Hell fuckin no. (sees ring on chick’s finger) Fuck!
Her: Nah don’t turn the meter on I’ma pay you I just want to make sure she gets in the cab safely and then I’ma go back into the bar.  Do you mind if I put my makeup on?
Me: Not in the least.
Her: Thank you sooo sooo much you’re such a sweetheart.  Here’s $12.  Most cab drivers wouldn’t do this they’re all assholes.  Thank you for putting up with me.
DK’s Brain: Thank you for stimulating my senses.
Me: Ahh not a problem well you can thank my parents for raising me as a gentleman.
Her: That they did.  God bless you *muah* bye sweetie.
DK’s Brain: Do that about 3 feet closer to my face.

Later in the evening I’m going up 1st avenue when I pick up these two dudes who had just finished performing a concert I presume.  They ask me how my night is going the usual shenanigans and then we get into a conversation (unsurprisingly) about music & how American Idol has ruined the perception as to what real music is.  In essence, one of the guys tells me they have no talent (which I 99.9% agree with) and how it’s funny that people these days are built up for years saying how good they sing and in one felled swoop they come crashing back to earth.  “These people now think singing is all that AHHH-YEE-AHH-YEE-AHH nonsense and they can’t even hold a fuckin note properly.  They think Beyonce is this legendary singer when she’s nothing more than a body that’s all she has.  It’s the look not the talent.”  Amen to that.  He gives me a history lesson as to how music used to really be separated by genre but now it seems like everything is a hybrid and it’s hard to really give anything a genre anymore.  It’s no surprise that our generation is going to shit and it’s only getting worse.  He did hit me with the quote of the week though on an unrelated subject:
“…these rap songs these days degrading women. This lady complained to me that her boyfriend calls her bitch sometimes and I told her ‘that’s disrespectful’ and she said ‘THANK YOU!’.  Then I go to her and said ‘What he should really call you is a cunt’ and needless to say she wasn’t happy about that.”
LMFAOOOOOO.  Then somehow he talked about the show “My Super Sweet 16” and recalled the episode where this chick had an “All-White” party and when her dad surprised her with a Green Jaguar she was livid because she hated the color green.  People like that have no hope in this society and he told me she’s gonna be one of those women who grows up and you give em a diamond ________________________ big and she’ll only say “this looks okay.”  Ha basically.  We’re so obsessed with material shit that we forget the bigger picture and if you’re not with the material shit you’re out of the loop; which shouldn’t be the case but things are ass-backwards now.  I could ramble on about this but that’s for another time.

Asian Kid: What is this truck doing??
(this truck is going DOWNTOWN on an uptown avenue (8th) and was blockin off the entire avenue for a while)
Me: No fuckin idea.  Drugs are bad.
Kid: Hahaha I know right.  So are women drivers.
Me: Sheeeit you ain’t kiddin.
DK’s Brain: And Asians.  But you got glasses on though so at least you’re prepared.

That’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.


1 Response to “DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/21/10).”

  1. 1 mdwright212
    May 22, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    LMFAO Cunt haaaaa
    And the exchange with that Asian kid killed me ha

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