23
May
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 5/22/10).

Saturday nights usually go one of two ways.  They can be highly entertaining or highly annoying; and yesterday turned out to be the latter.

I picked up an older couple who were going to Restaurant Row.  I know where it’s located (46th street between 8th and 9th avenues) but they were attempting to get me the “exact coordinates” who says that ha?  I took Park Avenue up to 47th street and they were curious as to why there’s a viaduct.  For those who may not know; the monstrosity that’s the Grand Central Terminal blocks off Park Avenue at 42nd street and for local traffic between 43rd-47th streets you have to take Vanderbilt Avenue.  Hence, there’s a Park Avenue Tunnel from 33rd-40th streets and then that viaduct which is supposed to speed up traffic (not really).  I digress though.

We run into a shitload of traffic around 7th avenue and Broadway and now I was approaching 8th avenue.  Made the light but the problem was..there was so much west bound traffic that I wound up stuck in no-man’s land (right were pedestrians can cross, etc) along with this blue minivan with an Ontario license plate (random).  After letting all the passengers (or so I thought) go- the blue van starts to make a move but then suddenly slams their brakes a split second later.  It happened so quickly that by the time I was forced to hit mine..yes, I love-tapped his car.  To be fair, I thought it was worse because I hit a crunching sound..however it was really just my license plate.  Anyhow; given they were Indians, they STOP RIGHT THERE & put their hazards on.  REALLY?? AT THAT BUSY OF AN INTERSECTION??? I can’t move obviously since I love-tapped them and they’re inspecting the damage.  One of the guys looks at me:
Me: What? You can’t just go & then brake so suddenly like that dude.
Guy: (blank stare)
DK’s Brain: Yeah you heard me bitch do you see anything on your car?  No.  Keep it movin.
These clowns though decide they’re gonna start drivin at 10mph crosstown and hold up all the traffic that’s behind them.  This chick gets out to inspect the “damage” and she claims that there are a couple of scratches…making it seem like the worst thing that’s ever happened to them.  I know if I wasn’t drivin a cab you wouldn’t even be botherin with this.  They hop back in & continue driving hella slow and were going straight (I needed to turn left so I do).  They suddenly decide they’re gonna turn left too.  Oh really now?  They’re gonna follow me some more?  You have got to be joking.  I finally drop off my passengers (who took my side the whole way by the way & knew they just wanted to cause drama since they were bored) and the clowns in the blue van keep it movin.  It helped that I didn’t signal my left turn either.

Quote of the Night: “If there was a way to keep all those fuckin Jersey drivers outta here I’d be much happier. They’re a fuckin joke.  What they should do is when they cross the river there should be someone at every toll booth who asks them six questions.  If they get one wrong..turn em right back around.  Fuckin can’t stand them.”- some dude with a THICK NY accent ha.

A few moments later on Central Park West (with the same passengers I were with), these 3 white boys were in a livery cab bumpin some Wacka Flocka Flame on the radio (I had it on too) and the kid ridin shotgun is dancin hella hard.  The same guy says “That’s alcohol poisoning right there!” I was rollin.  “Watch, he’s fine now but that’s just a whole lotta throwin up waiting to happen.”  I look over & I’m laughin and so are they.  I begin mock dancin to it too and they begin pointing goin YEAHHH!  Hooray for sobriety.

These dudes were on Union Square (how convenient for a buncha squares) with signs that said “FREE HUGS”.  I wish I had a picture but I unfortunately made the light so I didn’t have a chance to take a camera.  Makin my people look bad SMFH.  No one by the way stopped to give them hugs.  One of them saw a gaggle of white girls come through and he was askin them if they wanted a free hug.  He went 0-5 with 5Ks.

The fastest way to make $10 in less than 5 minutes picking up two passengers:
-Kid on 96th and Park wanting to go to 85th and Madison at 130am- 2 minutes since NO ONE was on the road: $6.70 after tip
-Speed down 5th avenue- 1 minute
-Pick up some guy you barely see (only saw him bc of his Blackberry) and take him from 75th to 64th streets- 1 minute: $4.70 after tip.

You got some knuckleheads.  This broad sees my taxi stopped at a light and takes a picture with herself on it.  I joke with her “Well you could have at least took the picture with me lookin!” and they do that typical fake smile bullshit as they walk away.  Then these B&T fucktards are crossin the middle of 14th street and as I pass them one of them spits on my taxi.  I was about to turn around and ask “does that make you feel good tough guy?” but they were definitely juiced up.  Muscle Milk FTW.

Ask DK Mailbag:
Chick- Don’t you ever get nervous when you drive in the city?
Me- I’d be lying if I said no…although you have to realize no one is trying to get into an accident…they just want to get/stay in front of you.  People drive crazy…but it’s controlled chaos.
Chick- I could never do it.
DK’s Brain- The world is a safer place because of it.

I pick up this Spanish lady right after I drop off a lazy ass family who needed to go 5 blocks uptown (not that I’m complaining because I made $8 off of them) and she asks me if I speaka de Spanish..which I don’t.  She tells me she needs to go to 25 and 36.  What the fuck??  25th avenue and 36th street??  Doesn’t show up on my GPS.  “No no no di address here” and she shows me her text.  OHHHH.  The fare comes up to $20.70 so I tell her to pay $21.  She gives me a $20 and just looks at me.
Me: It’s $21.
Her: $21?  (hands me another $20)
DK’s Brain: Nigga she gonna want $19 back don’t even bother.
Me: Keep it, don’t bother.
Her: Thank you so much.
DK’s Brain: Fuck my life.

I cross the Williamsburg Bridge making my triumphant return to Manhattan where I ultimately have to make a decision.  I’m on the 2nd lane to the right and this dude & 2 chicks were hailing for a cab.  I didn’t think I was gonna be able to get them..but the car that was next to me was making a right turn…so I was able to pick them up.  I hesitated quite a bit because I figured they were gonna take me to Brooklyn again & I didn’t want that.  The dude had a huge ass guitar…I presume he just finished performing.
Him: Ocean Parkway & Beverly Road.
DK’s Brain: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mainly the reason why my brain did that was because I knew there was gonna be hella traffic on the BQE since there were doing construction…and I didn’t know the detour (which I do now).  I cross over the Manhattan Bridge where I had to make a decision.
Me: You know an alternate way where I DON’T have to take the BQE?
Dude: I don’t really know.
DK’s Brain: Take Flatbush Avenue down…but then again I don’t know where right now.
Chick: I don’t think the traffic is gonna be that bad..it’s probably just a blip.
DK’s Brain: JUST A BLIP?? THEY SAID HEAVY DELAYS EXPECTED!! But whatever the customer wants right.  Time for torture.
Me: O…kay.
I swear I was on the BQE for about 15 minutes going about 3 miles.  Then I get off at the Hamilton Avenue exit because the Prospect Expressway ramp is closed.
Chick: They’re just saying that..it’s not actually closed.
DK’s Brain: I’m gonna take what a sign says over your word especially after last time.
DK’s Brain: Kill me with this fuckin traffic.
(sees 4th avenue eventually as part of the detour)
DK’s Brain: Holy fuck…I coulda took 4th avenue down and saved about 20ish minutes I hate myself.
Me: (Taking deep breaths trying not to lose my cool).

A trip that normally takes about 20 minutes takes 65.  It came out to about $31 but the dude gives me $53.  I was stunned to be honest.  Very nice guy, he was hella appreciative because I believe a few off-duty cabs had passed him..not to mention my snap judgment told me to pick him up.  I guess that was the reason why.  He gets his guitar and gives me another $10.  I feel much better now.

Dude: Where’s the best lounge at?
DK’s Brain: I DON’T FUCKIN KNOW!
Me: Meatpacking District a few blocks away is poppin.  Try Bar 675 it’s hella chill.
Dude: Sounds good to me.  We bout to be in there like swim wear.
DK’s Brain: People still say that?

This one dude hails a cab.  All of a sudden from the shadows SIX people show up.
Him: Can you fit 7 people in here?
DK’s Brain: I know I have a soccer mom’s van but yall sure ain’t a team.
Me: I shouldn’t but I will anyway.
Him: We goin to Chicken & Rice you know where that is??
Me: Course I do.
DK’s Brain: Even if my brain was on drugs I’d know where Chicken & Rice is.  Matter of fact if I was..I’d have an even better idea.

He begins rappin “You can have some chicken & rice…you can have some chicken & rice” on that T.I tip.  He actually did a pretty decent job ha.  This is the one time I wish I had a video camera because he started goin off on a strange tangent quoting the most random shit.  The only thing I paid attention to was “Kentucky F. Chicken.”  Who says that???

DK’s Bordello: I thought I’d be able to avert this…not so fast.  The final passengers I pick up are these two gay dudes and they’re going to Brooklyn (or so I thought together).  The one guy hailed the cab as if he was trying to hand me a rose.  WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?? Anyway, they get in and initially they’re gonna sit in the front…but then they make their way to the back.  Next minute I’m lookin at my mirror tryin to see who’s behind me & these dudes get their Adam Lambert/Brokeback Mountain make out on.  AHHHHH!!!
DK’s Brain: Focus ON. THE. ROAD.  Everything in front of you.
At least they stop making out when they get to the bridge.  But the session was for a good five minutes or so.  I drop the first guy off and I overhear one of them sayin somethin about “it keeps getting better everyday” as they make out some more.  Run meter run.  Then I’m supposed to drop off the other guy…BACK TO MANHATTAN.  Wait…what?  But whatever, I got $30 from the whole ordeal although this guy passes out in my cab so I have to get out, knock on the side mirror after I yell YO! about 5 times and THEN he wakes up.
Him (with that voice): I’m so sorr-ieee.
Me: All good..as long as you’re alive.
DK’s Brain: Where’s that Men in Black mind eraser thing again?

That’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.

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