07
Jun
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (Weekend Recap).

I have a tendency of being able to do a little bit of everything.  With my tape deck deciding that it wants to be a piece of shit; I had to force myself to listen to the radio the entire weekend…but that didn’t stop me from adding a different flavor to my cab- a car freshener.  Which flavor you ask?  Black Ice all day.  Discombobulated paragraph thus far right?  That’s because this was the theme at least on Saturday.  Sunday= your typical airport shuffle.

While it doesn’t make sense to me, I never mind when people want to make “two stops” but want me to turn the meter off & start it over again.  This group of five made me do this & four got off one stop ($11 after tip) and another person got off later ($10 after tip).  The only reason why I was able to pick them up was because I was heading over to the Meatpacking District but they were begging me to make a U-Turn.  Since I was stuck in traffic yes why not bust one on 14th street real smooth.  I love how the guy that was sitting shotgun with me after I dropped off the first group decided to remain in shotgun & bop his head hella hard to DJ Big Ben’s shit.  I don’t know if he was really into the music or just tryna grab my attention & make conversation but I wasn’t bout to be like “You feelin these tunes, man?”  If it was a chick hell yeah small talk all day.  We use 10% of our brains.  You only need to use .10% to know my drift.

I don’t know how I’d feel tellin a cab driver that I’m goin to a strip club ha.  Yes I know they have advertisements on top of some of the cabs (hell mine did) and I know they’re called “Gentlemen’s Clubs” but I just find it hilarious.  Good for these four men that took me to Penthouse (the 45th street between 11th and 12th avenue location) at 9pm.  The early birds tryna get the squirm, I suppose?  Wouldn’t you not go until at least midnight?  Hell, when I went to one down in Texas I didn’t get there until damn near 3am.  Maybe that’s just me, though.  And it’s hella expensive why would I spend $20 for one song when I could in Texas or New Orleans spend the same amount for 3-5 of em ha?  High-class strippers though here, remember that; they won’t tell me to take their twitter name down.  Okay I’m gettin carried away, next.

Knowing it’s Saturday night and the inevitable “is this cash cab” question will be asked, I decided to write down 10 random questions.  They are fairly easy (as this one chick made them be) but hey, drunk people can fuck up easy questions.  With that said:
Remember the other night DK’s Brain wondered when six white chicks would get in my cab?  That’s exactly what transpired- they were having one of those bachelorette crawls and they weren’t going too far; but 8-9 blocks in heels I’m sure is painful.  I was asked “the question” by the bride-to-be which set off me asking a few questions.  Since none of yall will likely ever be in my cab randomly anyway- these were the questions (and answers they gave me) that I got to do-

2) The dude that got his dick chopped off by Amy Fisher? (Joey Buttafucio- correct)
3) Who previously held the world record in the 200m before Usain Bolt broke it in 2008? (Michael Johnson- correct)
4) How many gold medals did Michael Phelps win in 2008? (They shuffled between 8 & 9 but it was 8)
6) Who won the first season of American Idol? (Kelly Clarkson- correct)
8) How old was Mike Tyson when he became heavyweight champion? (37, 31, 25- incorrect; it’s 20)
10) The names of the two main characters in “Titanic”? (Leonardo DiCaprio & Kate Winslet- correct)

See, fairly easy questions for the most part.  I’ll make them more difficult later.  The chick that was riding shotgun tried to record a video of this but felt it was too boring.  “I was trying to make this excitingggg!!” Cash Cab isn’t all that exciting of a show to watch ladies & gentlemen.  At least in my humblest of opinions.  They nailed the questions for the most part.  I nailed none of them SMH.  They asked me (I don’t know jokingly or seriously) to hang out with them later but of course I couldn’t..not like I’d find parking anyway.

I think I’ve solved the riddle as to why chicks always say ” need a big strong MAN” and it’s because dear God..they don’t even have the strength to pull it.  The door you sick freak.  This chick who was probably 5’11 and 96 pounds my God the struggle she had with the sliding door made you think I was watching Tug-of-War on Wild & Crazy Kids my oh my.

People were LOVING the air conditioner that I was pumpin on Saturday.  I’m not really a stickler for AC like that but when it was as disgusting as it was then..it’s so necessary.  It always humors me when you hear people get inside and almost immediately you hear “Ahh YES that’s what the fuck I’m talkin about!! Nice & cold!”  I think too the heat helps in that nobody wants to makeout n shit.  I was definitely diggin that..but it also helped that I didn’t pick up many couples whatsoever.  The best quote I overheard though was, “You be wantin it to be as cold as Western Beef’s freezer section.  You like one of those slabs of meat.”  The more you know.  By the way, God bless Western Beef.

Speaking of “The more you know”, I  did have a chick later on at night bitch about how cold it was in the cab and wanted me to turn the AC off (so I did..at least in the back).  I was honestly surprised because this was the first person to complain that it was TOO cold the entire night.  She asked me if it was mainly because men have gotten in my cab (I would say I had a 65/35 girl-guy ratio on Saturday) and she told me that since guys are warmer & give off more heat that they are more susceptible to wanting AC.  Hmm.  That probably explains why when I’m at the gym (at least when I used to go religiously but then became athiest to it SMFH) why it never looks like girls sweat that much.  Meanwhile I’m lookin like a personal tropical rain forest.

More shit overheard in the cab:
Guy 1- “I want to just give this chick a rub down and then fuck the shit out of her.”
(2 minutes later)
Guy 2- “This chick is texting me asking if I could come over so we can lay down and chat..heh I don’t wanna chat get outta here.”
DK’s Brain: Nigga you gay (Riley from The Boondocks voice)

I even know how to be intellectual and school people to certain things that I’ve been reading about on the news.  People love when you’re in the know of things.  I picked up this lady in Greenpoint and drove her to the city.  She told me that she didn’t want to be bothered with public transportation because it’s so sketchy on weekends and it startled the shit out of her when I told her that about one in 10 MTA employees make over $100,000/year.  Yes, this is the same MTA that is always doing maintenance on weekends/late nights and claiming huge budget crises yet wanting to cut service & increase fares & imposing an extra 50 cent tax to cab rides here.  And you wonder why next to livery cabs they are arch-enemies of taxi drivers.  She asked me about my opinion of Obama and I told it how it was…I’m sure he’s a great guy that means well, etc but in the grand scheme of things since all presidents are puppets- that’s why all these promises & “changes” he had promised forth haven’t come to pass.  So my opinion is to take it with a grain of salt.  Not for nothing but it’s funny with the oil spill (which I believe was deliberate by the way) how no one is criticizing Obama for only being in the region for 90 minutes but God forbid if it was George Bush.  But that’s neither here nor there.  Her fare was $24.07 but she paid me $22.  I think it was an accident.  I was too lazy to ask her for the extra $2.

And that’s all the time we have for today.  And so on.

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