11
Jun
10

DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 6/10/10).

Thus far this week had been very unentertaining.  Thursday was no exception to the rule..although things attempted getting interesting from time to time.

I never understand why people want the air conditioner on when it’s about 70 degrees.  These Mexican women get in with hella bags heading into the city and one of them kept asking me to put it on.  I tried to..but apparently it kept blowing hot air.  I had my personal AC on low because if the front AC isn’t on then you can’t turn on the back one.  “We are cooking over here.” And I’m the one wearing long sleeves & have the fat SMFH.

After gettin a buzzkill trip to 131st and 5th avenue in Harlem, I was going down Broadway where this black dude hailed a cab.  Hesitantly I picked him up (I only say hesitantly because I sensed something weird was gonna happen).
Him: “How you doin brotha? I need to go to Springfield Gardens out in Queens..”
DK’s Brain: *Lightbulb goes off because it’s a couple towns next to my house*
Me: Umm, okay.
Him: How much?
Me: It’s a meter so I have no idea honestly.
Him: I’ve recently just come out of doin a 15-year bid man, I’ve been waitin for a cab for about three hours.
DK’s Brain: *senses that homeless stench typically reserved for the subway*
Me: 15 years?? Damn. (I wasn’t gonna bother askin for what..much less if he was lying).
Him: You Jamaican??
Me: Nah, Haitian.
Him: Ha Ha; S’ak pase (hand pound)
Him: My family would pay you when I got to the house whatever the cost of the cab would be.
DK’s Brain: SKETCHY CITY.
Me: Ehhhhh…
Him: If you got money for the train/bus I could hop on the Q5, whatever I mean you don’t have to do all of that if you don’t want.
DK’s Brain: I’d love to go back near the crib but..um..yeah fuck that.
Me: Aight then. Here’s $3 bucks get a Metrocard and go home.
DK’s Brain: Oh and roll down the windows when he gets out DEAR GOD.
Him: Thank ya brotha.
DK’s Brain: Another dupe bites the dust.

Quote of the night: “…white bit-chess.” (insert gay voice here)- This dude I overheard talking on the phone.  I tried really hard to not die laughing.

I picked up this dude who quite honestly had no idea where he was going.  “Tompkins Park” was his destination…like I’m supposed to know where/what that is.
Him: I know you’re seeing everything but all I’m seeing is flashing lights!  Hahaha.
DK’s Brain: I wish I was drunk so I could know what the FUCK you’re talking about Kanye.
Him: You got any recommendations for good clubs out here where I could relax & dance?
Me: On a Thursday night at 2am?  Ehh..besides I don’t really do clubs.
Him: Ella, yeah that’s the place I wanted to go to.
Me: I heard it’s okay.
(after paying me)
Him: How do you open this thing??
DK’s Brain: Oh my God.
Me: (like a flight attendant giving directions on safety): Pull the gray handlebar on the far left towards you.
Him: *rolls down the window*
DK’s Brain: SMFH.
Me: The handle.
Him: Oh, ha ha ha ha, I bet you have to tell a lot of people you’re all prepared & shit.
Me: You know it.
DK’s Brain: You’re bald now but were you a blonde before?

DK Pet Peeve #26:
(Cruising up Allen Street after droppin off some guy)
Guy: TAXI!!!
Me: *slams breaks as a car is approaching me needing to make a turn*
DK’s Brain: This fuck better not hit me. (He doesn’t but blasts his horn unnecessarily)

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON SCREAMING OUT TAXI?? WHAT IF MY WINDOWS ARE UP?? (more on this in a special segment coming up soon on Taxi Hailing Etiquette)

This whole “driving hella laid-back” thing seems to be working because my tips have been off the chain lately.

That’s all the time we have now.  And so on.

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