DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (Wed-Fri Recap).

With my air conditioner broken, this was a potential recipe for disaster.  Fortunately (for the most part), the weather cooperated with me.

Yall Indians/Pakis/Bengalis are hella hypocritical.  Yall are the main ones who when yall drive a cab won’t ever turn the AC on…yet when yall pack yourselves in like Chicken & Rice to go on 53rd and 6th with hot sauce- yall are crying for AC when it ain’t even 65 degrees outside.  Then yall are the first ones to scream at people when they don’t tip, then yall go ahead with $20 and for me to keep the change which is a dime (that I mind as well could have given to that Sprint lady back in the days).  This happened AGAIN on Wednesday.  Can someone explain this to me?  Anyone?  Not for nothin also but yall make my cab stink too. BO is a no-no.  Here in America and NYC in general there is no monsoon season (unless it’s the desert Southwest)  so stop waitin for it to rain and that’s when you feel showers are necessary.

If you’re gonna take me to Newark Airport from JFK (which is around a $95 trip by the way) and it’s 6pm…there’s gonna be unavoidable traffic.  Don’t bother asking me to take a “faster route”.  “You should’ve taken the Holland Tunnel” bitch that’s the tunnel I’m taking.  Frankly I could have taken the Midtown Tunnel to the Lincoln Tunnel but that route is three miles longer.  I’m savin your ass money.  “Can you turn somewhere and get to the tunnel faster?” Um, Canal street?? For what? All roads lead to the damn tunnel, if I go two blocks south to Canal Street I gotta go back up those two blocks anyway.  And that hole you see? Yes that’s the partition SPEAK TO ME FROM THERE DON’T SPEAK INTO THE GLASS.  And the Newark Airport terminals are A, B, or C not 1, 2, or 3.  I guess you wanted me to do it via code.  Thank God she paid in cash, too.

The only justifiable way to have your hand limp-wristed is by following through on a jumpshot.  Otherwise don’t hail a cab as if you’re shooting a jumpshot.  Sometimes I wonder if gay dudes would make for good shooters.  Their flick of the wrists are impeccable.  Then yall get in my cab and audibly say “This AC succccks.” Yeah no shit; you think in a driving rain I want my AC to be blowing lukewarm air too??  “At least put some musicccc onnn.” Muh fuckas yall are two blocks away from your destination and THAT’S WHEN yall want music. “Don’t worryyy about ittt.” Aight fine, you get to listen to Drake on the radio for 15 seconds.  “Draaake”  (insert Drake’s \”Ooh Lil Wayne\’s Just Too Good\” here).

Dear people who live in Brooklyn.  I love most of yall.  Yall have your tipping etiquettes down pact and are the most appreciative people that get in.  That’s why I never really have an issue with taking yall there, unlike a vast majority of cabbies.  This holds true mostly for Team Park Slope, Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens.  Even intraboro trips in Brooklyn are nice.  In case yall are wondering how much it costs to go from Park Slope to the Upper East Side…it’s around $30-$32 before tip.

Question to DK: Don’t you think most cabbies especially with tourists take the long way to go somewhere?
A: Absolutely…although it’s a double edged sword.  To try and trick someone by going an extra few blocks is really only netting you an extra $1-$2 at most..when you’re more likely to waste time having that person in your cab as opposed to starting a new fare in which you’re gonna get $3 just for them sitting down.

This dude who had to be in his early 30s had himself a little tourist moment when he took pictures of these 6 chicks standing outside of a place that was making a Grand Opening (Promenade- 215 West 28th street between 7th and 8th avenues).  They were decked in Halloween gear and he says “ohh man, guess I’ll be coming here tonight! That sold me man!” And he was going on a date ha.

Lady who I pick up on 122nd and Broadway who wants to go to 19th street between 6th and 7th avenues- “Why don’t you take the West Side Highway?” Me: Because it’ll cost you more money and you’ll STILL run into lights after 57th street.  Sweet Jesus when will yall people ever learn?  Going uptown it makes perfect sense (especially if you’re going to the Heights) though.  Hell, taking 9th avenue south is fairly quick in itself.

To the people talking about Johnnie Walker in my cab: The Green Label is the best-tasting flavor in my humble opinion.  Followed by Black, Blue, Red and Gold in that order.

Why at 8pm on the Thursday night of Game 7 be the time when yall want to go to a Foot Locker and buy a Kobe shirt??  These two dudes in my cab SMFH.  They were eatin pizza and all that good shit too.  “It’s always a black person that picks us up.” Yeah no shit we have to kinda look out for each other y’know?  Even when we know yall ain’t gonna tip.

These two girls get in my cab goin to the worst club on the planet Webster Hall and are elated when they hear the Celtics were winning heading into the 4th.  “I hate Kobe.”  I swear, Kobe Bryant is the most polarizing athlete on the planet.  If you can name me another one, I would love to hear it.

I swear, some of these girls who get in my cab absolutely overpower me with their hairspray smells.  They smell really good (usually a Vanilla scent) but why so much of it?  Perhaps yall need to work on your hygeines 10% more.

I’m comin up with some shirt ideas.  Some of them include the “Won Dolla Tip Nation” with the O being the South Korean symbol on the flag; “Money Theivin Park Avenue” in honor of yall cheapskate tippers on that ritzy avenue; and “Yuppiesburg” in honor of my love-hate relationship with Williamsburg.  More ideas to come soon.  That’s all the time we have now.  No work today.  And so on.


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