DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 6/24/10).

Long Haul Thursdays were all about the Things That Make You Go Hmm factor.

1) Lady- You think I’ll make my 7pm dinner reservation (in Midtown)?
(I’m on the Van Wyck Expressway rush hour traffic at 6:15pm AND she has to check in to her hotel in SoHo).
Me- No. To be perfectly honest you’ll get to your hotel at around 7:15.
Lady- My flight was delayed about two hours due to weather.
DK’s Brain- That’s not my problem.
Me- It didn’t rain here but there were thunderstorms in the area (Al Roker moment).

2) Ching Chong Man- (tips me $1.11)
I personally wondered why this was the case.  As a member of the won-dolla tip nation was he excited that South Korea & Japan won & advanced to the round of 16 or did he think I was numbaaaa won?

3) Chick from a small town in Virginia- We spent $23 for a pitcher of Miller Lite at this place we were just at.
Sucks for you.  She was pretty chatty this blonde southern belle but it was one of those boring chats.  She bolted out of my cab because she needed to pee..but her dad was the one who paid anyway.

4) (As soon as she gets in the cab) this chick- Don’t try and take me the wrong way hahaha I know where I’m going.
Me- And why would I do that? It’s a waste of time.
She tipped me 40 cents.

5) Lady- I’m so relieved that you’re not an Arab driver.
Me- Ha why?
Lady- They’re always so loud.  Where are you from anyway?
Me- Right here in New York.
Lady- So why are you driving a cab??
Me- Puttin some $$ in my pocket since the job market sucks (Sports Management).
I picked her up around 12th street and Broadway and she was a hella interesting character.  We first talked about schools we went to (me- NYU & her- Brown) & how back when she went to school it was only $15K for tuition AND room & board.  She was able to convince them to give her a scholarship because she told the financial aid office a sad sob story that her mom doesn’t even have money to go out to eat with her husband.  “I’m like the only person who paid off their student loans.” Well ain’t that nice.  I tell her how my parents have been able to put us through schools and for some unknown reason she gets jealous & confused.  “I make around a quarter million dollars a year and I’m still struggling to put my kids through high school.  Imagine college??”  Wait..come again?  Even though she’s now a single parent (due to her breakup with an ex-husband) I don’t understand how even though I’m sure hella taxes are taken out that this is a struggle.  I mean, it didn’t help she has a $50K credit card debt but I suppose that ain’t here nor there?  She hates Mormons with a passion because of the whole multiple wives thing and I learned that supposedly Muslims aren’t supposed to kiss their girl unless they’re married??  I must say however she is aging gracefully I love when they get in my cab mmm mmm ha.

6) A recurring theme yesterday was going back and forth from Manhattan to Brooklyn..and even having a couple of intraboro trips in the BK.  I pick up this chick who looks exasperated as hell (sweatin like she just came outta a hot yoga class) and the only reason why I picked her up…was because the previous cab she was in had gotten side swiped.  Dear God.  I saw at least 3 cab drivers get into accidents last night..and another 4 break down because of the heat.  Thank God I took mine to the shop when I did.

7) Right after I dropped her off I was plottin my return to the city where I get hailed by some chick.  Her boyfriend’s bike got a flat tire & they didn’t feel like walkin to the train/bus so they saw my van and thought it was their lucky day.  It sure was..and for me too because Park Slope from Williamsburg is pretty expensive ($16 or so).  “We should take this van to Atlantic City hahaha and try our luck even more.”  Hey, if you’re willin to pay me $400ish for a cab ride then sure ha.

#8: Won-Dolla Tip Nation Member- Can you go around the corner? We need to pick up something?
Me- Uh..okay.
Her- Run the meter. This will take about 10 minutes.
Me- Aight cool.
DK’s Brain- Fuck it.
(Boyfriend brings in a mirror)
DK’s Brain- For real??
Boyfriend- Astor Place & Broadway.
He then tells me to make a left on 4th avenue when I was on 9th street.  Umm..not happening.
Him- If you can make a U-Turn on Astor that’ll be great.
DK’s Brain- If your ass tips more than $1.00 that’ll be great.
This caused me to deliberately pass by 2 Asian ladies hailing a cab on Broadway & pick up a group of 5 who were heading to K-Town (but were not Asian).  They tipped $4 on a $8.70 ride.  Genius.

9) I go to the Meatpacking District & pick up this chatty chick who unfortunately has a boyfriend.
Her: Ready for an adventure?  100th street & 4th avenue in Bay Ridge.
DK’s Brain: DEAR GOD.
(If you’re wondering how much that would cost, it’s around $32 before tip).
She was hella cool- She’s originally from Arizona (so we talked about her thoughts on the immigration law- in which she thinks is okay but doesn’t like the fact that it can fuck with families since kids could be taken away).  Her thoughts on cabbies- “The ones who take me are really cool but there’s some who really hate me for taking them so far out of the way.  One guy who after we told him that we tip well said “so where’s my extra money?” You just don’t say that.”  Then we talked about passive-aggressive anger in which I sorta made fun of her for because she told me she got angry without cursing out a cab driver.  It’s on some “Timothy! How could you!  Heavens to Betsy!!” shit ha.  She didn’t understand why people were still outside by the water at 2am, she said she’d be in bed making love.  Gah.

10) I had avoided going anywhere north of 34th street ALL SHIFT (which is a miracle) and being on Ludlow at 3am there was no way I was going uptown.  No way.  There were cabs waiting around for people coming out of the bars..yet these two chicks wanted to get in my cab.  With their boyfriends.  This had all the makings of something interesting.
Girl- 138th street & 5th avenue..take the East Side Highway Please.
Me- LMFAOOOO East Side Highway (inaudibly to myself).
Long story short, these four motherfuckers basically gave me a live clothed sex show in DK’s Bordello.  The 2 chicks were making out with each other at one point, one of the broads was gettin her tits rubbed under her shirt and archin a lot while her neck was being kissed; one of the guys said “Taxi Cab Confessions ahaha I bet the cab driver is loving this.” Believe it or not…not really (except the chicks kissing).  I’ve been deprived so long and 5th wheeling would suck huge horsecock.  We got stuck in traffic around the 110s because of late night construction and the confusement made me go to the Bronx..but no worries because the Exit I needed actually gave me a more direct way to their apartment.  They tipped me 25%.  I gave their sex show a C- there was too much talking about needing to take showers/let’s take showers together/I’m about to have sex in this cab.  This is like the champange room muh fuckas, no sex in this shit unless it’s…me.

God Bless & Goodnight.  And so on.


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