DK’s NYC Taxi Cab Chronicles (To Whom It May Concern).

I drive angry sometimes.

To the dude that looked like a professional Magic The Gathering card player: Itsokayyoudonthavetotalktomelikethis.  Calm down, speak and enunciate.  Plus you told me Spring Street & Varick Street and by going to the right side you’re makin me deal with much more traffic headin towards the Holland Tunnel.  Then you make me get off the corner before; I’m tryin to move about 10 feet but you’re tellin me to stop…DON’T YOU SEE I’M BLOCKING PEOPLE??? Then you tip me 70 cents on a 8 dollar cab ride.  Fuck off.

To the dude that took me to Kings Highway & East 94th street: You sure there wasn’t a quicker way than takin the Williamsburg Bridge and takin Broadway FOREVER?? I knew you’d barely tip me ($25 for a $23.50 isn’t cool) but then now I gotta go to fuckin JFK because you’re out by East New York.  Then Linden Boulevard is shut down for some fuckin festival.  Disaster at 10pm right when the city’s poppin off.

To people who sit in the front seat with me: No, I normally do NOT want to talk to you.  Unless I’m in a good mood.  So say hi and keep it movin.  And for those who ask if they can sit in front…I really should say no; but I can’t.

To Kerri (this girl I took to Mill Basin last night): You’re a frickin sweetheart with a smile/giggle that lights up my life.  Too bad we didn’t start talkin until hella late in the trip.

To the retarded hailers of cabs: Yes I want & need my money.  BUT DON’T WALK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET WHEN THE LIGHT IS TURNING GREEN AND THEN TAKE YOUR TIME GETTING IN.  If I start moving the car while the door is open it’s to send a message.  Don’t worry, you ain’t gonna fly off and neither will the door- it slides remember?  And while I ain’t gonna lie and I used to do this myself when I knew no better- peering into the cab like a peeping tom to see if a cab is available is on some creepy crawler shit.

To the Lawng Oyylanders in my cab on Friday: I felt my intelligence quotient decrease by at least 3.  Did yall say “whoy did hea go down Times Squaar, he shoulda gone down 6th avenue??” Shut the fuck up.  You have a semi-valid point though, I shoulda went down 5th avenue.  But yall were gonna be aight.

To th French dude that left me the $0.00 tip on his card & later apologized: Your girlfriend is bangin & I would French Dutty Wine in that pussy.  Yeah I said it.  And were you apologizing for not tippin me or for being a grade A buffoon and takin forever to look to see if you left somethin.  Meatpackin District fuckers I swear I hate em but I love em at the same time.  Either way I just grilled him.

To the girl who asked me if I could have alcohol in my cab: No I don’t think you can.  But why the fuck would I want wine in it?  As dope of an idea as that could be; I think a chick would be scared shitless by the prospect of their cabbie offerin her a glass of wine.  Much less Jager or anything like that; ppl prob would think I’d be druggin them.

To the Spanish chick that fell asleep HELLA hard in my cab: I took a picture of you..BUT unfortunately this chick walkin up towards me scared me enough (because I figured it might have been a friend of yours) to not get the photo; so you were saved.  Besides, I woulda felt a bit bad after you kept throwin ones at me and I didn’t even take my shirt off.

To the rest of yall: I’m out. And so on.


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August 2010
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